I was driving across town for a first date when a terrible bout of overthinking hit me.
The girl I was going to see was friends of friends. I had seen her at at least three group get togethers in the last year. I began to wonder what would happen if we started dating and broke up. Would that mess up the dynamics? More on that in a moment.
It wasn’t until years later I finally understood why I was otherthinking so often.
I was trying to mitigate my risk. That’s putting it mildly. I prefer to avoid all risk. Like most overthinkers, I would never jump through a door without looking first nor jump off a bridge without clarity on how safe it was.
While we often see ourselves as being prudent, overthinkers miss out on a lot of good. And when the bad happens, overthinkers miss the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. But that last part rarely pops into an otherthinkers head.
We are searching for an Illusion of Control which doesn’t exist. I played blackjack and poker because I felt I had better odds, or control. It’s all an illusion.
Two big downsides of overthinking are that you can never predict everything that could happen and that it puts you in a negativity loop. What you focus on expands.
The real issue is that most overthinkers have a confidence issue. It could be in themselves, their skills or support system. I don’t overthink driving or shooting a basketball because my confidence is high in those areas.
And when we lack confidence we try to get more skills or knowledge instead of being uncomfortable and working on ourselves.
Most parents are scared when they have their first kid. Most parents aren’t scared of the same things for a second kid. But they all agree it is insane what you go through.
Your first transaction is scary. Your tenth is not so scary. Confidence in yourself comes from doing, not thinking. I, and my fellow overthinkers, don’t like that but truth is truth.
To get through overthinking, start looking at the positives. You won’t immediately stop thinking about the negative but force yourself to add in the postivive.
Track your small wins. Because we think about the negative, we notice that so much more. Tracking your small wins retrains your brain.
Reframe “failures” and “rejection.” Bridges fail. Bodies reject organs. Why are we using words with such impact in our daily lives? Give it the scope it deserves but don’t talk it up.
Positive self-talk is important. The way you talk to yourself, empathize and treat yourself is important.
Now back to the date. I thought about it and somehow got out of my own head. I started thinking about the pros instead of just the cons. I told myself it wasn’t fair to her or me to cancel.
We got married a year and a half later. Our 10th anniversary is this October.
I leave you with this quote that I’ve had for 30 years and wished I had really embraced when I first read it.
“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only the person who risks is truly free.”
― Leo Buscaglia
