Chreosophobia (pronounced “kree-oh-so-fo-bee-ah”) is an intense fear that no one talks about or explores, and it is ending real estate agents careers. While many of us are familiar with a fear of failure, this is different. The person isn’t so worried about failing themselves but it becomes almost inconceivable to fail others.
“Chreos” (χρέος) is the Greek word for debt which also implies broader duties or obligations. This person feels an obligation to assist others. The obligation can become so overwhelming that they will isolate themselves so they don’t get overwhelmed.
That makes real estate and a lot of things significantly more difficult in their lives.
When A Fear Becomes A Phobia
Phobia is a strong word that I don’t throw around lightly. Fears are categorized as a phobia when they cause irrational response, usually linked with avoidance and possibly impairment.
I cut my had pretty badly doing something stupid while making dinner about a year ago. Now, I have an involuntary response around knives in generally but even more around one knifee. My heartbeat raises a bit and my awareness expands. Let’s call that a healthy fear. It doesn’t stop me from cooking or sharpening my knives. I am super careful, and to be honest, even nervous. It’s not a phobia, just a concern.
I have a phobia of cats. I’ve worked on it but a cat hissing at me is one of the worst things that can happen. I avoid cats and can be almost paralyzed around unknown cats. I have zero fear of dogs. It is specific to cats not just animals that can bite. It’s irrational and near uncontrollable.
When Caring Becomes A Phobia
Hopefully we all want to do best for our clients but many of us worry so much it can almost paralyze us.
If you know the DISC, the high S’s are the ones most susceptible to this because they are the caregivers and want harmoney around them. Great traits for the right situations but like anything, too much of one thing can be bad.
Unchecked, this desire to help people and can turn into a phobia.
I know several agents that left real estate because the burden of managing perceived expectations was too much. No one takes as much responsibility of a situation than a high S. This is why they are guarded in what they will take on.
For this person, everything is their fault. Every wrong answer is either their fault or their responsibility to fix the problem. And if this fear grows, it can show up as self-sabotage, turning down opportunities, quitting and just shutting down.
When this fear becomes crippling, and seemingly no one else is afraid, it’s time to look at it as a phobia.
Understanding Chreosphobia
Understanding Chreosophobia requires an in-depth look at how this fear intertwines with our identity, particularly when our self-concept is closely tied to being a helper or a supporter. When a significant part of our identity is anchored in the role of helping or pleasing others, the prospect of failing them can feel like a direct threat to who we are.
This fear, similar in some respects to the fear of personal failure, is underpinned by a dread of shame—not just disappointment or frustration that might accompany failing, but a profound sense of shame that strikes at the core of our identity and self-esteem.
Signs of Chreosophobia
In the context of fearing to disappoint others, the following signs may be indicative of this deep-seated anxiety:
- Worrying about failing to meet others’ expectations, especially when these expectations are unspoken or unclear.
- Worrying that not being able to help or support others could be seen as a deficiency in your capabilities or a flaw in your character.
- Fear that failing to assist others might lead to a loss of their interest or respect, potentially damaging your long-term relationships and reputation.
- A desire to control as much as possible to avoid mistakes, often leading to excessive stress and burnout.
- Anxiety about not living up to your own identity as a helper or supporter.
- Feeling unable to move forward without exhaustive knowledge of every aspect and potential pitfall.
- Distress over the possibility of disappointing those you care about or whose opinions matter to you.
- Prefacing your efforts with disclaimers to lower others’ expectations of your ability to help.
- Difficulty in envisioning alternative approaches or solutions when previous attempts to help have not succeeded.
- Experiencing physical symptoms or engaging in distractions that conveniently prevent you from fulfilling your helping role.
- Prioritizing less urgent tasks, often at the expense of actions that would more directly aid others.
- Procrastination or avoidance behaviors that hinder your ability to offer support or assistance effectively.
Addressing Chreosophobia
First, it’s essential to recognize that tackling a deep-seated phobia like this demands a nuanced approach, particularly when the fear escalates to an irrational intensity. This isn’t merely about coping with common fears; it’s about confronting an overpowering anxiety that can warp our perception of reality and cloud our judgment.
Fears and phobias exist on a spectrum. You might find that you can work through it on your own, or you might need support from a friend or even a professional. The journey to understanding and addressing your fear will help you determine the level of support you need.
The cornerstone of changing any phobia is acknowledging the distortion of reality. This phobia often stems from our core values and identity, making it feel normal and unquestioned.
By recognizing its irrational nature, we begin the process of overcoming it. Yet, logic alone might not suffice. A deep-rooted fear or phobia operates beneath the surface of logical reasoning.
Normalizing Imperfection: Understand that letting others down is a universal human experience. It’s not exclusive to you. Perfection is a myth, and striving for it only perpetuates the phobia. Embracing human imperfection is the first step in loosening the grip of this fear.
Remember, those you fear disappointing have also let others down. They’re not infallible. They’ve made it through, and so will you.
Embracing Growth and Improvement: True growth and learning come from navigating challenges, mistakes, and failures. If your sense of self is intertwined with aiding others, remember that genuine help often involves showing vulnerability and learning from setbacks. Denying yourself the opportunity to fail also denies your potential to be truly supportive.
Realigning Identity with Growth: Start seeing yourself not just as a helper but as a learner, someone who evolves through both positive and challenging experiences. This shift in perspective makes your identity more adaptable and resilient. Being a helper isn’t about being flawless; it’s about being open to learning from each experience to better support others.
Turning My Fear Into Fuel
When I started my solo career, I planned to call expired listings. As an assistant, I listened to these calls daily. They seemed straightforward.
But when it was my turn, my phone suddenly felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. I couldn’t bring myself to make the calls.
I was terrified of being an “annoyance”bothering” people. Doubts like ‘What if I’m not good enough?’ haunted me. My self-image as a considerate person conflicted with my professional duties, even though I knew some terrible agents were making these calls without hesitation or desire to really help.
Then, a realization struck me. My true identity was about helping people. What better way to help than by saving them from a bad agent? I reframed my role: I wasn’t bothering them; I was saving them. If their house was on fire, wouldn’t I rush to alert them?
This shift required reframing how I invoke my values. I have a list of values here for you to explore. Once you identify your core values, compare them like in an NCAA bracket to see which ones truly matter most to you.
Incorporating these ideas into your approach to the fear of letting others down can transform this overwhelming phobia into a manageable concern. It’s about accepting our human limitations and recognizing that growth and learning are essential parts of supporting others.
By the way, I came up with this word byself
*This is not an official word but one coined by me after looking at my own history and the many agents over the years that I have talked with, coached and trained.
